Sunday, May 18, 2014


Many people get married with a great delusion. You believe it would always be you, your partner and your kids. Soon after the wedding, a situation arises and a family member has to come and stay with you and you become so uneasy. You begin to resent every action and every move. You begin to hound your partner about why your privacy has been intruded upon. After all, it was supposed to be just the two of you and you did not bargain for all these. Wake up dearie, it was never and will never be just the two of you. Let me take you a step back. Before you got married, you had your relatives coming to your house once in a while to check on you; in fact you had relatives and they would not stop being related to you simply because you got married. Rather, they would start to come more often because your being married simply tells them that you are now comfortable and would be a better host as a married person that as a single person. Now, my discussion today is why do we often find it difficult to tolerate every other person that lives with us that is not our partner or our child? Why do we make everyone else feel like an intruder? How do we maintain our marriage as an intimate institution while not shutting everyone else out?

I asked a few married people: Male and Female, what their opinion was about people living with them and many people said yes they do not mind so far it is not for long; some people said it has to be a close trusted relative .I remember living with at least four different families at different times while growing up. It was not a big deal for the older generation and I believe as we get older in marriage it becomes a non issue. In fact, most of our parents almost always had people living with them. They had family members who were in need and others that helped them in the house.  Could we then say that this is a selfish generation of me, my spouse and my kids alone or are we just scared of the unknown? How do we tolerate people that actually come to live with us? Friends, brothers, sisters, parents, uncles, aunties etc. Do we see everyone else as a burden? Some of us become enemies with every human who happens to be a guest in our home whether short term or long term simply because our tolerance level is extremely low. We are overly protective of our ‘space’ which is a good thing but injurious when we need people’s help because nobody can do all things by themselves.

I do not have to say so much about today’s topic. I am not insinuating that we open our doors to every Tom, Dick and Harry. I am simply saying, let us watch ourselves. When you notice that you are never satisfied with the attitude of every guest that stays in your home, it is high time to put ourselves in check. We then need to relax because truly the table of life turns all the time and we never know where our children will branch out to in the future. Let us live, love and learn for the journey is still far and it is not for the fainthearted.


  1. I believe you! What I tell myself is that I was helped. My cousin and his wife took me in to their home and sent me to the university. I'm better for it today so, why I should I shut my home to people? It's tough, sometimes I get tired but I know I cannot do otherwise.

  2. *smiles*i do understand all dt has bin written hia but dere r reasons behind some people's hostility.we grew up hvin most of our uncles and aunties around.we were kids hennce we loved d crowd,d more d merrier,we used to think.but it was a diff ball game for my mum.hw were we to knw dt dese uncles and aunties were rude to my mom?or that dey stole from us?cheated us?spoilt the minds of d home aides that we had?some of these aunties were single,dey brought home dia single friends whom didn't flirting with d men in haus my papa inclusive.and sum of dese did dese tinz on purpose bc dey wanted my mum to loose her cool.but maa wasn't the one for drama which kinda annoyed dem.but mind u,we,d children didn't knw all dese!hw were we to know that d same peopl u loved cud do dis to ur maa?eveb wen maa wud hint dt we shud be careful around dem,we thot she was paranoid?d single ones left for dia hubby's homes,d elderly ones came to stay.dose onez were nt any beta cos dey took sides wen d kids quarreled!dey kinda made one of us to feel more liked dan d oda!settin us against each oda.*smiling sadly*well,d climax hit us during one xmas period,my paa's younger broda,asked to live in d bq of our village haus,my mom was totally against it!and she made it known!omg!!all hell was let loose!!my mum was almost crucified!I had just finished my ssce,my siblings were still in secondanry and pri school!we were stunned!we were sad!nobody was for my mother!my dad wasn't!we were torn,shud we roll wit dad and dese "animals"we call aunties and uncles or our lovely mom?my mum's youngest came over and to gave us the talks of our lives!whe told us to sit up,we r no longer kids!d world has changed,d true colors of our beloved relatives hav bin uncle and his family stayed in d bq!and u knw wht,he entered politics and started planning to kill my fada and broda!my mom already knew who and wht he was but dad didn't!and dis was wat she was avoiding.dose foolish aunties cudnt control him any longer so dey bailed and started asking MY MUM wht to do next.anytime dey cum ova,yes we do love em,but we wished dey cud get it ova wit and go home.Now,my uncle got himself killed,*life for u*leaving behiind a wife and 3kids whom dey *d aunties*want us to reconcile with and in dia own way take dem in!!hahahahaha!!!lai lai!!we hv forgiven dem but as for living wit dem,HELL NO!!dnt get me wrong,even afta the uncle fiasco,we still had cousins(children of dose aunties) dt lived wit us,we got on well wit dem.dey still stole to give to dia oda siblings outside d haus!my mom's people weren't saints to!her siblings were kk but dia kids...OMG!!quite older dan us but inferiority complex can do tinz to people!oh wait...I dint tell u dt my dad loved to spoil d heck out of late uncle wud complain dt he was throwing away his money but dt didn't stop him from asking for dose bikes for his kids.*smiling*with such stories,hw do u want my siblings and I to look at anoda person cumin to stay in our houses?I hia stories of oda people,hw dey related well wit dia relatives,I get teary eyed and jealous!it sucks bc itsnt meant to be so!!I hv an aunty dt is living wit my parents now,and shez taking food stuff to her children,without my mom's knowledge.*smile*and she doesn't do dis wit wisdom.she makes it to obvious but u can't confront her bc u hvnt caught her.even her broda,my dad knws,but he just smiles.u gotta love dt*shrug*dtz it.I actually hv a friend dt said dt her sis shud writed to her for permission b4 cumin to her haus.I laffed den cos I knew she was kiddin.but I understood where she was cumin frm cos we had similar backgrounds.dtz it folks....d story of living with "family"!

  3. My husband and I both do not accept relatives staying with us. My father once told me our generation is selfish and he doesn't understand why this is a big deal. I told my father my husband and I were both sexually molested by relatives -those very nice uncles and aunties especially the ones from the village. So no way. I don't care what your story is, we will pay for two nights in a hotel nearby if you have no where else but you can not sleep in my house.