Sunday, March 09, 2014

SEPARATED BUT LIVING TOGETHER

They hold hands in public, they have a joint account, their outfits are always a colour match, varying degrees of public display of affection but step into their homes and it is simply like Tom and Jerry.Living together but miles apart from each other. If being married was all about living together then some of us are persevering enough to live with anybody. How many of us married couples are really still one and in sync with our partners? How many married couples are on the path to separation even though they might never live apart? Are you married yet separated in your hearts? This is my focus today...
Growing up, I saw different types of marriages, different illustrations, I remember always looking at each couple I saw and trying to compare it to the kind of marriage I wanted. I have seen couples married for 30 years but that have been separated in their hearts for 20 years. They live together, they perform the usual marriage rituals but there is just no connection anymore. Somewhere along the line, they lost the desire for each other; the love; the care; the respect; the will to be one. I used to wonder and I still do, where and when did things go wrong? How long did it take before the bond was finally broken? Were there no signs? Did they not try to pick the pieces? Why are they still living together if they are so far apart? Do they not miss the union and the joy of being one with your partner? Many of them have even forgotten what it is like to be married and truly married.

We need to look out for the signs. There are always warning signals just like when a guy and a lady are considering getting married, they see the little signs and ignore them foolishly believing that these behaviours will correct themselves but they never do, they get worse in marriage where the law of 'see finish' exist and they begin to lament that they never knew the man/woman was like that. They sure saw the signs but they ignored them. Similarly, we see the signs when are marriage is heading down the slope. We see the warning signals and we justify it all by saying things like: it is just for a time or we're just so busy this period or he/she loves me too much mess up or it is just a phase. That phase often times degenerates so bad at times that by the time we realize, it has become the norm and standard of our marriage and we can no longer trace our steps to the good times anymore.

The signs are exhaustive. It is peculiar to individual homes and every one of us knows the unhealthy seed that is growing in our homes and we are making excuses for. When we begin to loose interest in sex, we do it not because we want to but because we have to; when we begin to prefer spending time with others than spending time in the company of our spouses; when the conversation becomes a struggle and opening up to other people is much more easier; when we do not care anymore what our partner thinks of our actions; when we begin to loose the desire to make our partner happy; when we begin to loose trust and respect for our partner; when it makes no difference anymore whether you are together or apart; when you are married but living like a single person and so many other little things we ignore. We could be married but separated long ago or on the way there.

Marriage is constant building. It is constant hard work. It does not fix itself. We work on it daily. Let us live, love and learn for the journey is still far and it is not for the fainthearted...


2 comments:

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  2. Great points Tunde! I totally agree with you. Marriage is basically garbage in garbage out – what you invest in it is what you take out. Marriage is like an empty box, you must put something in it before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage – love is in people and people put love in marriage. Likewise, there is no romance in marriage, romance is present in marriage where a couple is intentional about loving, praising, giving, and serving each other.
    I have come to realize that the true measure of the quality and strength of a marriage is known when a couple is not in public or in the presence of people they know. How a husband and a wife treat, relate to, speak with and respond to each in the privacy of their home/bedroom says a lot about if they are separated but living together.

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