Sunday, March 02, 2014

HELP! MY SPOUSE AND I HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE....

I am an avid reader. I still love to call myself that even though I do not get to read as much anymore. I started by reading novels in high school. I remember my first book was one big book by Danielle Steel and how it took me about a week reading that book under my desk while my teachers were teaching. I have spoken about my love for books because my first perception of what love was meant to be like between couples was formed by what I read in those books. The seeming passion, the looks, the butterflies in the belly, the stolen glances, the perfect love triangles, the love at first sight and the likes. Then I went ahead and also watched movies like runaway bride, love and basketball, my best friend's wedding  and a host of others and by the time I was sixteen, I was confident I was an authority on what love is. Seven years later, I woke up to reality...
Please do not bother asking me what made me wake up, all you need to know is that I realized that love is not the feeling you get when you meet somebody for the first time and your heart skips a beat and some others. It goes beyond all of that. I am yet to fully understand it myself but I do know that there is more after the falling in love season. What happens when you are no more falling and are now married and now claim to be in love? I read a story some time last week and it got me thinking a lot. As newly married couples, we often have a very big misconception of how we expect our spouse to show love to us. We have this little world we have managed to create in our heads of how our partners can show us love. Anything outside of these ideas are irrelevant to us. We have heard stories, watched people and movies and have decided that if he/she does not do this and that then the love in our marriage is dysfunctional. While I am a big advocate of love being expressive, I am also not blind to the fact that different people express their love and care to their spouses in different ways. That is why when I heard a woman I respect so much, Pastor Mrs Funke Adejumo, talk about understanding your partner's love language, I knew it was a very vital factor in building a strong home.

I find that 80% of the time when couples claim that their partner does not love them anymore, it is because they do not see the love expressed in the little things their partner does. Every one is waiting for that grand gesture and just because your partner is not one to do that does not in any way depreciate the level of love he/she feels for you. A husband that cooks for his wife does not necessarily love more that the one that buys his wife take out from work. They have both shown care but in different ways. A woman that calls her husband ten times a day to check on his welfare does not necessarily love more that one that just sends a text during the day. Many of us are mistaken. We live in a dream world. We believe that just because all the grand gestures are not there, we have fallen out of love. We believe our partner does not care anymore. Here is a way to test if your partners shows you little acts of love and care. If your partner is out of the house for at least 3 days and at any point you are stuck or unable to accomplish something just because he/she is the one that usually does it, then you know the value of having your partner by your side. He might not come to the kitchen to help you out but he takes your car to the mechanic; she might not wear sexy lingerie all the time but she always has an encouraging word; He might not buy you a new car but he walks you to the bus stop; She might not have sex with you 5 times a week but she always makes sure you have clean cloths ( you don't even know when your laundry gets done); So many little ways our partners show us love that we take for granted just because we are looking out waiting for flowers and expensive shirts.

You and your spouse have not fallen out of love, you have simply grown in love. you have become so blended and are so much in sync that loving each other has become a way of life, not a single grand gesture. For that person out there that feels the love in your marriage is fading or gone totally, look out for the little things and you will be amazed at how much love your spouse actually shows you on a daily basis.

Let us live, love and learn for the journey is still far and it is not for the fainthearted...




No comments:

Post a Comment