Happy mother's day to my two lovely mums and all those that have shown me acts of motherhood over the years. Happy mother's day to me and to all young mothers out there. I tell you it still feels surreal at times to be truly called a mum. Anyway, because of the special day that it is, today's post is mainly for mothers and wives who are potential mothers. The men will have to take a back seat and wait for father's day, Sorry!
I must truly confess that I have just started the journey of motherhood not too long ago so I do not know half of it as I am still learning by the day. That does not prevent me from seeing the mistakes women often make at times when it comes to separating our roles as mothers and as wives. How many women in the past have grown old and realized that they do not know their husbands anymore? Somewhere along the line, their main focus became their children and being such a great mum that their husbands became just a figure head. When eventually the children move on to start their own lives, it becomes confusing and there in starts the battle of not being able to let go of their children. Few weeks after I had my baby, one of my aunties I respect so much, Mrs Yosola Adigun, pioneer of WiseWomenBuild asked me how I was coping. I went on and on about how I love my son so much and he is my one big love and I want to pour all my love on him. Before I went too far, she stopped me right there and said Your son is not your husband, stop it right there and draw the line while it is still early. That was a wake up call for me.
Please find her on facebook at Yosola Adigun, she shares a lot of inspiring insights, not just about our marriages but about our lives as women as a whole under WiseWomenBuild. With regards to today's topic, here is what she has said: "Married women, let your passion and attention be on your husband and not your son! He is your son and would never become your husband! This is the root of Mother in Law saga, otherwise you too will grow up to compete with your son's wife! Let's sanitize the process! Don't call your son 'my husband' ( Yorubas call their children oko mi) because he is not your husband! Love your own husband!WWB". With regards to new mothers, she also said, "Baby and Focus on mind!No matter how many babies you have suckled, there is one that never gets weaned (or should I say shouldn't) that does not mean you call him baby to the hearing of all, because the 'babyness' happens only behind closed doors... the baby you birth/adopt is just a tenant to your mammary glands, the real owner is the man you convinced a lot of people to come watch the vow as you were vowing your body as his. How come you vow and immediately deny access?Hmmmmm don't be a fraud, kick the devil right out without fasting!!! Let your husband rejoice in the wife of his youth! WWB".
I also went ahead and read another great piece on this which I will share some parts. This was written by Julie Sanders found in www.juliesanders.org."Is being a good mom the same as being a good wife? It may be years before a mom realizes that her precious children can unseat her husband's unique place in her heart. Can our love for them become a dangerous thing? She then went ahead and gave some very important tips on how to keep kids from becoming your mate:
1. When you have to pick a side, pick your husband's.
2. Leave your kids sometimes. (Dates, weekends?)
3. Speak well of your husband to your children.
4. Correct your kids if they complain about dad.
5. Point out gratitude due to father.
6. Be affectionate in front of your kids.
7. Tell your kids that your time together is important
8. Nurture what the two of you can share and enjoy.
9. Take pictures of two of you together...sans kids.
10. Sleep without kids in the bed and lock your door sometimes.
We put an unnatural burden on our children when we expect them to take the
place of the "spouse" in our lives. Children are blessed when moms
remember they are first wives. Our husbands will thank us for guarding their
#1 position in our hearts and lives".
What more can I say? I understand it might seem easier said than done and sometimes the lines gets so blurred we just do not know when we are missing it but we cannot afford to stop working hard and striving to be great wives and great mothers. Nobody has asked us to choose between being a great wife and being a great mom. Why can we not have both? Let us live, love and learn for the journey is still far and it is not for the fainthearted!