Today's post stems from a discussion I had with a very close friend of mine last week. It really got me thinking. Every where I go, I hear statements like; All men and women are the same, all men cheat on their wives at least once in their lifetime, all women are after money and so many others that I would not even bother trying to remember. Why is it that we all get married with decisions in our hearts to be true to our spouses and be a model partner and all and yet we have already concluded in our hearts what the end game would be. While we try to raise the bar in other aspects of our lives, we have lowered the bar in our marriage in fact some of us have no bars at all. Your expectations and faith in your marriage and your partner is non existent. We all have these destructive derogatory beliefs due to different factors: Other people's experiences and stories, our background, past relationship experiences and others. Really, what value does it bring to your marriage to have such a low faith and expectation in your partner, to believes he /she is like everyone else you know. If indeed they are all the same, why did we have to take time deciding on who to marry, why not just pick anyone from the whole bunch? After all, they are all the same.
It is very vital for us to nip this in the bud. Many of us have become and are becoming too comfortable with the wrong things that happen in our homes all because we believe that is happens to every man or woman anyway. A man does not care when his wife starts to show traits of covetousness, greed and materialism, all because he believes all women are wired that way. A woman turns a blind eye to new traits her husband is exhibiting and says to herself he is probably cheating on me after all they all do.A man is unhappy about his wife's looks and appearance after she has had a baby and he does not encourage her to clean up and become the woman he was proud of simply because he believes all women become like that after marriage and childbirth. A woman is being abused by her husband and she calmly accepts it as her destiny simply because she believes all men are wired wicked. Wake up and smell the coffee!
Please do not get me wrong, you know I would never advocate for unnecessary nagging, pride, fights and rage that lead you no where. I am therefore not advocating that you pick up a fight about every thing that sits uncomfortable with you in your home. Rather, I am saying, your marriage is what you call it. It is what you believe it to be. There is no way your husband will not cheat if you believe all men do. Some of us even go the extra mile and say to our husbands, " I know it is normal for all men to cheat, I will never leave you even if you cheat on me" and then when he cheats we say it is because he is a man. No, it is because you gave him the go ahead. You told him it is okay with you if he so desires. Instead of a man to get his trainers and start working out with his wife to get her in shape, he accepts it as normal and deep in his heart he knows he is beginning to loose his attraction to his wife. When we accept these myths, we begin to have a 'why bother attitude'. We stop fighting for our homes and we relax in building.We no longer invest in our marriages we have subconsciously decided the fate of our homes. Your marriage is not the same as that of your parents, your friends, your siblings or what you watch in movies.
Even though there is nothing new under the sun, your marriage is peculiar to you. Your spouse is definitely not the same as that of your friend, you will know this if you try to compare notes. Therefore you cannot relax in building your home simply because of other people's experiences. There is sincerely no general rule to marriage. If there was a general rule, there would be too many exceptions. Let us stop hiding under the umbrella of "it happens to everybody" while we watch our marriages crumble.
Let us live, love and learn for the journey is still far and it is not for the fainthearted!