Sunday, November 24, 2013


I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and  I just knew thereafter I had to write about this. It really feels funny at times when we talk about it but in many cases it is very hurting. How is it that when our partner offends us and we say we have forgiven, we are so eager at the very next opportunity to remind them that they did the same thing five months ago.

If we had to take a survey, it is likely most people will say this is more rampant with men than women but I find that this is something that is not gender specific but personality specific. We all do this. A good scenario is, say a man forgot to pick something from the store and he apologizes and the wife forgives, the next time he does the same thing, the wife is quick to say, "this is the 5th time this is happening". I thought you forgave him the 1st 4 times, why does it have to come up again? Another good scenario is, say a woman forgets to tell her husband about an event they have to attend together till the last minute and she apologizes, the next time that happens, he will definitely refer to the previous times that has happened.

I understand we are humans and it seems daunting to expect us to have a sudden memory loss of previous occurrences but it really does not drive your point home any better by reminding your partner of the other times, we are just basically trying to help our partner relive the previous hurts. Funny how when the tables are turned and we are on the receiving end we remember how unfair it is and wonder why our partner does the same. Marriage is not just for two forgivers, it is for two people who can forget and even when we do not forget, we do not rub it in.

Your partner does not seek to annoy you at every chance, it just happens to happen a couple of times and if we go on keeping count of how many times we have to forgive that thing, think of how many things your partner has let go for you. Let us forgive and forget it, every new day is a new opportunity to live afresh, not to bring the deeds of the old into it. We need to learn to let go of past hurts because that is how we become stronger. Let us face it, we do love our partners a whole lot, hurting them is not our main goal, let us start acting the part.

Let us live, love and learn because the journey is still far and it is not for the fainthearted!!!


  1. So true,I am guilty of the same thing,its like we are always waiting for an opportunity to play the guilt card on our spouses,God help us all!

  2. Forgiving and forgetting is a tough call. But I believe it’s the easiest and fastest route to healing our hurts. Keeping counts of offenses even after we say we have forgiven our spouses doesn’t just hurt them but it hurts us and our relationship with them. We bank the poison somewhere within us which then chokes our ability to truly and fully receive the love and care they sincerely want to show afterwards.

    Our spouses are already set for failure, as in our minds, a part of us is waiting for a repeat, a next time and this distrust we have subconsciously makes it difficult to help them get better, and be accountable even when they are willing and ready to make effort towards change. It takes asking for grace daily to let go each time we say we forgive our spouse.